The value of self-care should never be underestimated!
Why do we underestimate the value of self care, especially when we are struggling?
This is an excellent and insightful question, as it gets to the heart of a common paradox many people face. When we are struggling, logic would dictate that we double down on the things that will help us, and yet, we often do the opposite. The reasons for this are deeply rooted in psychology and societal conditioning.
Here's a breakdown of the key factors that cause us to underestimate the value of self-care, especially when we are struggling:
1. The "Hustle Culture" and Internalised Values
Productivity as a measure of worth: Many of us have been conditioned to believe that our value is directly tied to our productivity. We get an adrenaline high from being "on the go" and working hard, even if it's stressful. This leads to a mindset where rest and self-care are seen as a luxury or a reward to be earned, rather than a necessity for sustained performance. When we are struggling, we may feel immense pressure to "power through" and work harder to solve the problem, rather than stepping back to recharge.
The guilt of "being selfish": Self-care is often mislabelled as selfish. We may feel guilty for taking time for ourselves when there are so many other demands—family, work, or responsibilities to others. This is particularly prevalent in cultures where caring for others is highly valued, and taking time for oneself is seen as a sign of weakness or self-indulgence. When we are struggling, this guilt can be amplified, making it seem wrong to prioritise our own well-being.
Exhaustion as a marker of success: We may have internalised the idea that being tired or burnt out is a sign of our dedication and effort. This faulty logic creates a cycle where we push ourselves to the point of depletion, and then, when we are at our most vulnerable, we lack the energy and clarity to engage in self-care.
2. The Inner Critic and Low Self-Worth
"I don't deserve it": When we are struggling, feelings of low self-esteem and self-doubt are common. Our inner critic can become very loud, telling us that we are not worthy or deserving of care. It may say things like, "You haven't accomplished enough to take a break," or "You're a failure, so why bother trying to feel better?" This voice can be so powerful that it convinces us to abandon our self-care practices.
The feeling-as-fact fallacy: This is a cognitive distortion where we mistake our feelings for objective facts. For example, we may feel like a failure, and therefore, we believe we are a failure. This can lead to a belief that self-care won't work or is pointless because our situation is hopeless.
Self-sabotage: Sometimes, when we're in a low place, we engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, and neglecting self-care is a prime example. We may unconsciously feel that we deserve to suffer, so we deny ourselves the very things that would bring relief.
3. The Practical Challenges of a Depleted State
Lack of energy and motivation: When we are struggling, especially with mental health issues like depression or burnout, we often have very little physical or emotional energy. The thought of engaging in self-care—even a simple activity like taking a shower or a walk—can feel overwhelming and monumental.
Decision fatigue: Struggling takes a huge toll on our cognitive resources. Making even a simple decision about what to do for self-care can feel impossible when our minds are already preoccupied with a crisis or heavy emotions.
Underestimating small actions: We often have a skewed perception of what self-care should be. We think it needs to be a big, dramatic event like a spa day or a vacation. When we're struggling, these things are often out of reach, so we undervalue the power of small, consistent actions like a deep breath, a five-minute stretch, or drinking a glass of water.
What to do about it:
The key is to reframe self-care not as an indulgence, but as an essential practice for resilience. It's the foundation that allows us to cope with challenges and rebuild our strength.
Challenge your inner critic: Actively question the negative thoughts that tell you not to care for yourself.
Start incredibly small: Don't aim for a full workout. Instead, aim for a single stretch. Don't plan a long walk; just step outside for one minute. Small wins build momentum.
Focus on the basics: When you are at your lowest, self-care is about survival. This can be as simple as remembering to eat, drink water, and get enough sleep.
Act opposite to your feelings: This is a technique from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). When you feel like staying in bed all day, get up and get dressed. When you feel like avoiding people, reach out to one person. Doing the opposite of what your negative emotions are telling you can help shift your mindset.
Seek professional help: If you find it impossible to engage in self-care, a therapist or coach can provide guidance and support, helping you challenge the underlying beliefs and practical barriers that are holding you back.